To all parents, including the douchebag in the clouds

Listen up parents. It's time you start to really think about the demands you make of your children, and the things for which you criticize them.

First of all, when was the last time an ovum and a sperm set up a meeting with you and said, "listen, we know you guys are really busy having safe sex and enjoying life to the fullest without children, but we think you'd do really well to lose the rubber and make another person" ?

The problem with thinking your kids owe you something is the very fact that they exist. They never asked to be brought into this world. What favor have you done anyone by creating another human being? More than likely, you've destroyed what little joy you had in life, at least temporarily, for you and your spouse; that helpless infant who cries every other hour and creates so much filth and waste isn't doing anything substantial for anyone, and he probably won't for at least seventeen years. And what guarantee can you possibly have that he'll amount to anything? Why don't you leave the amounting to the other seven billion people on this doomed planet who need jobs to feed the mouths they never asked for (hint: their own)?

I've recently become a "volunteer," which means I've vowed to never rent my womb out to any sort of human parasite. While I'd pretty much made this decision years ago, I found out that there is a group of people out there who agree that it is probably the best thing for the planet if humankind were to disappear. Of course, since we're all relatively intelligent folks (unlike the morons who continue to breed when there isn't enough food to go around), we realize that our movement is a futile one. You simply cannot stop rampaging idiocy. I've tried. Very futile.

So anyway, ambiguous mom and dad - Mr. and Mrs. Anon if you will, if you're still on the lucky side of marriage...What can you really ask of a child who never would have existed if it hadn't been for your own hubris? Really, what selfless reason could you possibly conjure up for your wanting to bring life to yet another human pollutant? You wanted to provide for someone? Try picking up one of the millions of starving children we already have to deal with. You wanted to continue your parents' bloodline? Please, how much more selfish and conceited could you be? You wanted to see what a baby with your combined genes would look like? OK, I take it back. That tops the selfish and conceited charts. I mean...they have Photoshop for that!

Disclaimer: I do not own, nor do I represent Adobe or any of its products. (I'll probably still be thrown in jail for mentioning it if that bloody bill is ever made official. And it will be because no one gives a shit about their rights anymore. The government will take care of us!)

Now say you made a baby because you're a good Kwischun who was just doing what God ordered of all of us in the Old Testament. You know, the one about fruit that doesn't involve one of the first people ever completely fucking it up for everyone before God could put the finishing touches on leg hair. (If that isn't a big enough hint about how dumb people are...well, go ahead and keep reading your Bible, because all of the depressing clues will sail right over your smiling head.) There's a major problem with following God's orders, and that's the fact that you're taking it on another person's word that God actually ordered you to do what you think he ordered you to do. Besides the bullshit excuse that Earth is still turning, what proof do you have that God said anything in the Bible, or that he even exists? And why do you think your assumption that he does exist gives you license to post your propaganda all over [insert social media site here]?

Listen, your prayers are about as useful as a wagon with turds for wheels. If there is a God, why would he suddenly change his (alleged) cosmic plan to do anything for you? The road you are on was predetermined, and the only reason a one-sided conversation might have any affect on the outcome is because you've convinced yourself that there is someone on the other line, which would have been a part of the plan anyway, so really...what was the point of it all in the first place?

And why do good, talented people let God take credit for their merits? Let's say I dedicated nine years to becoming the best young surgeon I could be. Let's say as a surgeon, I save someone's life through an operation that I perform. Should I humbly take the credit for it, or should I chock it up to the good graces of someone I've never even met and who probably wasn't even in the operating room? Why the hell would I? In what world does that make any sense? And if God really is responsible for that person not being dead right now, why do we even have surgeons? Why can't God just make all the disease go away and save us the trouble of thinking we're any use to each other? Why did I spend nine years in medical school and training if my success is based on the will of God? Wouldn't a few weeks have been a bit more suitable?

And why is it that when something bad happens, God can be given credit for it, but no one can blame him? It's always "God's plan" and "what's best for us." If God does exist, the only plan he has for us is misery. And somehow people still manage to smile and donate to charity once in a while. Why? Is it because God has encouraged them in some way? Maybe the person you watched drop a five into the JDRF bucket has been physically touched by God, and he's doing the work of Jesus. Or maybe that person is an atheist who has faith in humankind, and actually takes initiative in this world instead of waiting for prayer to run its course. I know a kind-hearted atheist is as difficult to imagine as an earth sans Jesus, but I promise they exist, and in far larger quantity than intelligent Christians.